Locke and the Easter Bunny
A few weeks ago, I realized that Easter would soon be here. And, seeing as how this would be my first Easter, I began contemplating the Easter Bunny and how he fit into the religious aspect of the holiday. Then, on Tuesday of this past week, it dawned on me. I had never registered with the Easter Bunny! How would he know that I existed? Or, if he had somehow automatically updated his "new kid" list through federal channels with my social security number, how would he know that I was now residing overseas? What made matters worse, what if the Easter Bunny didn't have the courage to hide eggs and baskets so close to the DMZ? I decided to ask Locke. He always talks about how much he knows.
Locke responded, "Well, Jack, did you send a certified letter postmarked no later than 1 March with your updated address to the Easter Bunny's PO box, not his street address? Furthermore, did you include a self-addressed envelope with postage, so that he could send you a questionnaire/application/disclaimer? After all, federal law requires that the Easter Bunny keep record of the kids' food allergies. Many of the chocolates that the Easter Bunny gives out are processed in facilities that also process nuts. And, so that he doesn't get sued by parents who have kids with ADHD, he has to have signed disclaimers, warning them that too much sugar can cause their children to exhibit behavior more akin to that seen in your cousin the chimpanzee. Did you sign all of that and have your Mom get all of it down to the post office?"
I tried to remain composed, "No, I didn't."
Locked looked down at his paws, and muttered, "Stinks to be you! Sorry, kid."
Later that afternoon, I must have looked a little irritated because Mom asked what was bothering me. I told her all about my worries.
She answered, "What? Why are you worried about the Easter Bunny!?! He's one of the few characters not yet swamped by bureaucracy! He got word of you before you were even born. Coming out to Korea is not a big deal for him. He travels with "Jack Rabbit" scouts, and they fend off the North Koreans."
That afternoon, when Locke wasn't looking, I pulled his tail. After all, he "pulled my leg."
Locke responded, "Well, Jack, did you send a certified letter postmarked no later than 1 March with your updated address to the Easter Bunny's PO box, not his street address? Furthermore, did you include a self-addressed envelope with postage, so that he could send you a questionnaire/application/disclaimer? After all, federal law requires that the Easter Bunny keep record of the kids' food allergies. Many of the chocolates that the Easter Bunny gives out are processed in facilities that also process nuts. And, so that he doesn't get sued by parents who have kids with ADHD, he has to have signed disclaimers, warning them that too much sugar can cause their children to exhibit behavior more akin to that seen in your cousin the chimpanzee. Did you sign all of that and have your Mom get all of it down to the post office?"
I tried to remain composed, "No, I didn't."
Locked looked down at his paws, and muttered, "Stinks to be you! Sorry, kid."
Later that afternoon, I must have looked a little irritated because Mom asked what was bothering me. I told her all about my worries.
She answered, "What? Why are you worried about the Easter Bunny!?! He's one of the few characters not yet swamped by bureaucracy! He got word of you before you were even born. Coming out to Korea is not a big deal for him. He travels with "Jack Rabbit" scouts, and they fend off the North Koreans."
That afternoon, when Locke wasn't looking, I pulled his tail. After all, he "pulled my leg."
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