THE JACKPACK

Ludendorff, the hippo here.  Locke and Albert, once again, underestimate my intellect and technological abilities.  While they debate whether they have enough rations in our crate to last five weeks, I have been unboxing the Apple computer that Jack's dad so meticulously packed.  It's a bit cramped in this crate, but I managed.  Grace chose to take her doll Camille with her, and unlike Samantha and Sally who tend to argue with me about everything, Camille actually respects my genius.  Before the great separation, I explained to Camille that I might be able to establish some form of electronic communication between crate and Jack -- a cloud of sorts.  Bingo.  She just sent me an update on their latest adventures.  They've been in Cedar City, Utah -- biking, hiking, eating bbq.  

Dear Jack, Locke here.  I know that the last few months have been nothing short of a dumpster fire, and I did not realize that when I woke Albert, I would literally somehow throw the Earth off kilter, unleash some evil spell, anger the gods, and cause a worldwide pandemic.  Wow!  I truly underestimated Albert's effect on humanity.   But, let me explain why I disturbed Albert's peaceful slumber.  Please know that it was not for some altruistic motivation that I awoke Albert from his ludicrous Arizona hibernation.  What bear hibernates in an arid climate?  An indolent one. Nope,  I firmly believe nature innately selfish.  Self-preservation is my motto.  When I heard your mom say, “Well, it’s official, we are moving to AK,” I hightailed it back to your room to contemplate the news.  How is a tiger like me supposed to survive in -40?   I grabbed every encyclopaedia in your room.   That’s when I realized that you likely lack ...

Recently, the sound of claws on Jack's chalkboard, along with some whispering and loud snickering awoke me from deep, energy-conserving slumber.  A few months ago, I had found a real cozy spot underneath Jack's bed to initiate "Operation Schlafenheimer."  I forgot about time.  I forgot about how mad I was at Locke for jamming Jack's nerf gun with sand.   I forgot about Grace's doll Sally's incessant whining about "Samantha's" bad attitude. I was out. But, not anymore.  Nope, instead, I found a piece of paper taped on my nose.  It was an official-looking notification allegedly from the assistant to the assistant of the vice-chairman of the chairman of the Bureau of Hibernation Enforcement over at the Health and Ursidae Services Department prematurely suspending my winter hibernation.   What the heck?  Since when does the federal government regulate my hibernation?  This has to be a sick joke.  I crumpled the piece of paper and chucked i...

*****Static*****Static************************************************************************************************************************************************************************(6 years of STATIC)**************************************** (Someone clearing his throat.) Locke:  Crikey, Albert!!! Are we on?  Do not touch that dial.  Every time Will touches that button, we can never get it back on the right channel.  Blasted walkie talkie.  Santa should have gotten a contract with Motorola.  These things are junk.  Ok....let me see here.  Is it Channel 1?  I think we can broadcast now. "Hello, hello!  Good Morning.....ahem....Good Afternoon.....where are we Albert?" Albert:  You forgot to say "over." Based on my superior geographical knowledge, we are in a place called Buckeye....Buckeye, Arizona.  That's "Bravo," "Romeo," "Uncle".....wait...."Uniform," "Cheetoh," "Kilo," "Echo,"...

This is Will.  People underestimate me because I've got a bald spot and a soft spot.  I like to cry, and I live on a liquid diet.  But, see, I just got on this computer, unbeknownst to my furry friends who think they run this show now.  Right.  We'll see about that.  Jack gave me some tips on how the mouse works, etc.  And, little did people know that Ty's little brother Jack and I don't just discuss college football and food at tumbling.  No, we study -- study tumbling.  Yeah, give me a mat any ol' day.  And, today, I showed everyone.  I rolled -- just like Jack does his roll down the mat. I rolled.  Oh, and Jack, thanks!  Thanks for the encouragement, dude.  I know this totally destroys your record in the baby book.  But, let's be honest, it wasn't that great.  Rolling at almost 5 months?  We'll blame that on Mom.  But, let's be honest, I just have SKILLZ!!! And, yeah, who pu...

We asked Jack how his tumbling class went.  We still weren't sure what he learns there that he can't learn wrestling with us, but whatever.  Today we found out.  And, now, we are BIG supporters of his attendance.  Apparently, he's quite popular at tumbling.  This morning, Jack's mom couldn't seem to get her act together, and after a few tense moments, everyone made it out the door for tumbling.  Jack was late, but I guess this turned into a good thing.  He rolled into tumbling and flashed everyone his mega-watt smile.  When the other kiddos saw Jack, all the little girls enthusiastically yelled, "HI JACK!!!  Jack's HERE!!!"  With pure confidence, Jack strut on over to the mat and started telling his teacher all about...well....something.  We're not sure what.  That got lost in translation.  But, anyway, he's a popular fella in his tumbling class. Ok...so, fellas, you thought that was good.  Well, apparen...