THE JACKPACK

Everyone knows that you're supposed to leave cookies out for Santa Claus.  It's protocol.  But, I think it makes much more sense to leave cookies for the Easter Rabbit (not Bunny, "Bunny" is too sissy).  And, don't tell me that rabbits don't like cookies.  They do.  I'm sure of it.  First of all, Santa Claus already looks like his wife does some good cookin'.  Mrs. Claus probably hosts her own cooking show on the North Pole's version of Food Network.  In fact, I bet Mrs. Claus packs Santa a super-sized batch of cookies and snacks for his trip around the world.  What sweet wife wouldn't do that for her jolly hubby?  As for the Easter Rabbit...  We never hear anything about a Mrs. Easter Bunny.  Nothing.  There's not even a girlfriend who ships him carrots or other healthy, overrated snacks.  Then, Santa Claus rides on a sleigh pulled by reindeer.  That means, he's just in for a really LONG "carride" around t...

I'm currently reading a book entitled This Kind of War: The Classic Korean War History , and I stumbled across a few passages that will help you better understand my experiences here: "The summers were hot and dusty, or hot and rainy, with hundred-degree temperatures.  The winters were Siberian.  The country literally stank, except for the few months during which the ground stayed frozen." "[In reference to the American soldier in Korea] He never got used to the stink.  Inside the city, the odors were of decaying fish, woodsmoke, garbage and unwashed humanity.  Outside, the fresh air was worse.  Koreans, like most Orientals, use human fertilizer.  Their fields and paddies, their whole country smells somewhat like the bathroom of a fraternity house on Sunday morning." And, just so you know, things haven't changed much since 1950!  Sure, when you go to some of the upscale malls in Seoul, you'd think you were in some yuppified shopping ...

Dear Friends, Family and Curious Onlookers, This is a "Mobility Declaration."  Yes, I have mastered what some like to call "crawling."  I like to refer to it as "CPT" or "Cruising 4 Point."  Commence Operation Lewis.  All systems are "GO."  Over.

Every day that we leave the apartment and head on whatever adventure is planned for the day, we pass a building that is but a stone's throw from our building.  Mom and I had been there once before, but I wasn't quite sure why we went.  Mom just talked to an old guy behind a counter.  It was really warm in there, and I noticed an odd smell.  Well, today, I discovered that I am a lucky duck!  Basically, we live next door to a swimming pool.  I had no idea such things exist.  I thought the bathtub was great.  Shoot, the bathtub has nothing!  Mom bought me some Little Swimmer diapers, and at first, I wasn't too sure about them.  But, then, Mom showed me all of the fish on them.  She promised that they wouldn't puff up with water and make me look look like a floating piece of popcorn.  When I put them on, I realized how stupendous they really are.  I'm sure Michael Phelps wishes he had a pair of Little Nemo Swimmers....

I decided to brush my teeth the other day.  I've seen Mom and Dad brush their teeth. While Mom was getting ready in the morning, I whistled my latest tune:  Robin Hood It was the perfect distraction.  I just pretended to be minding my own business.  Warning: If you listen to my tune, you're bound to have it stuck in your head for days on end.  I dream it.  Well, I successfully got the toothbrush.  Mom saw it, and rather than automatically take it away from me, she surprisingly changed out the brush and gave it back!  I even got to brush with it on.  Whoa!  Talk about gum relief!  

A few weeks ago, I realized that Easter would soon be here.  And, seeing as how this would be my first Easter, I began contemplating the Easter Bunny and how he fit into the religious aspect of the holiday.  Then, on Tuesday of this past week, it dawned on me.  I had never registered with the Easter Bunny!  How would he know that I existed?  Or, if he had somehow automatically updated his "new kid" list through federal channels with my social security number, how would he know that I was now residing overseas?  What made matters worse, what if the Easter Bunny didn't have the courage to hide eggs and baskets so close to the DMZ?  I decided to ask Locke.  He always talks about how much he knows. Locke responded, "Well, Jack, did you send a certified letter postmarked no later than 1 March with your updated address to the Easter Bunny's PO box, not his street address? ...

You're probably wondering what a guy like me does for fun around here on the weekends.  Well, for starters, everyone pretty much caters to my schedule, which is a plus.  When I'm hungry, I eat.  When I need a snooze, everyone pretty much gets me nice and comfortable, so that I can drift into sweet slumber.  It's a good deal.  Dad's always home on Saturdays and Sundays, which is also a huge bonus.  After all, he horses around more than Mom does.  If we go outside the wire and into the land of "quirkiness," I usually ride "turret."  For a demonstration, please see the picture below: You're probably going to say that it looks like I put on a few pounds.  Yeah, well, the four course meal I had on Saturday night certainly didn't take off any. It just makes Dad look good in that photo.  After all, people think, "DANG, that dude has muscle to carry around that tub of lard."  Plus, please note that I pump iron every morning between 6:30 a...