Delta is Your Constant, Cheetohs are Your Friend
This is Albert here. Remember, I'm the big, brown, fuzzy bear Jack used to write about on this forgotten blog. Oh the sadness! But, as Locke, the tiger, mentioned in the last post, which was a few ice ages ago, we have taken over. Jack's too busy playing with his trains and making sure his younger brother isn't eyeing his favorite trucks. Locke thinks Jack should spend less time worried about his vehicles and more time learning his alphabet. I just tell Locke to "get a life." Plus, I'm one of the kid's favorite animals at the moment. So, Locke can beat it.
Speaking of animals.... You've probably forgotten about us. Ugh. I don't want to re-introduce us all. Really, there's a bag of Cheetohs calling my name over in the kitchen. Jack's mom won't let me eat them near the computer. Plus, it's probably hard to type after the first paw-ful, simply due to the wonderful fact that my paws would be smothered in fake cheesy crumbs. Then, I'd be tempted to lick them off. Then, I'd reach into the bag and get another paw-ful. Then, a second layer of delicious cheesy crumbs would coat my paws.... Then, I'd have to lick the keyboard because typing would get to be impossibly cheesy. Well, you get the idea. I love cheetohs. Wow, I really got off-topic. See, it's better if Locke does the writing. He gets to the point -- most of the time. So, I'm supposed to introduce to you some new members of our elite group. Nobody asked us if we wanted more "friends" in our zoo. Apparently, when Will, Jack's little bro showed up, he came with his own entourage of nincompoops who specialize in nothing else but nincompoopery.
Ahh, shoot, I'll give you a brief briefing on Jack's original council of zoological geniuses: (Maybe I didn't use zoological correctly, but it sure sounds great. I'm a bear, not an English teacher)
1. Locke: Moron. Ok. Just kidding. He's a tiger. When you think of Locke, who do you think of? Yeah, John Locke. 'Nuff said. Go look that guy up in Wikipedia if you need some help. Locke has an ego the size of a hippo's rear-end.
2. Ludendorff: A hippo who would rather be reading scholarly scientific journals. Fusion, fission, Kelvin, absolute zero, genomes, nucleotides, velocity, helium...... And, he likes corn dogs. And, he has a fake German accent. Or, maybe it's real. All I know is that he was named after a famous World War I German general. He's a swell guy.
3. Flamboyant Flamingo: Loves Paris. Loves his pheasant Korean girlfriends who blow kisses to him while he sits on the veranda. He's weird.
4. Pete: Alligator or crocodile. I can never remember. He's a computer nerd who need not ever worry about skin cancer. Nice guy but really ought to get out more...in the sun.
5. Mountbatten: Elephant. He's the nicest guy around. He's happy-go-lucky. He likes cookies, and who couldn't love an elephant that eats cookies. Plus, he's big enough to pound a few holes in Locke's ego.
6. Pongo and Four: You might not remember these two doofuses, but they're hound dogs who showed up a while back. Strays or somethin'... I don't know their goofy stories, but Jack decided to name them. They're kind of like me: faves. They drive me nuts because they've always got retarded ideas. You know, they're the types that think it's great to mix every single fountain drink in a cup at the local Whataburger. Then, they drink it super-fast to see who gets a brain freeze first.
7. Horatio: The shark. He likes blueberries and is somewhat reclusive. I think he's Hispanic, but maybe he's British. He's a quiet kind of guy. Good guy...kind of militant. He's the kind of guy you want on your side if there is going to be a war. I think he's a former Navy Seal or something.
Now for Will's entourage:
8. Jarvis: Tortoise, loves watching Nascar, a yankee who wishes he had been born a redneck...great guy. He loves honey-roasted peanuts. So, I like him, for the most part.
9. Rupert: Brontosaurus. Ok, yeah, I thought they were extinct too -- apparently not. Loch Ness, you've lost your monster. I'm thinking, "Shoot, if all dinosaurs had such lame names, no wonder they went extinct." He's a good kid, just kind of green. I told him that he needs a new name, if he wants to "survive." He has a weakness for spicy,fried pork rinds. I told him that I thought he should stick to green stuff. But, what do I know? I thought dinosaurs like him were the veggie types. I told Locke we ought to consult the Merck Veterinary Manual -- make sure he isn't causing irreparable physical damage by eating pork rinds.
10. Walter: Rhinocerous. I like Walter. He has a temper, but he takes it out on Locke. So, that's fine. He likes to read thick books about archeology, geology, and volcanology. His ultimate goal is to witness the eruption of a volcano. When I told him that his temper is pretty much as good as it gets when it comes to volcanic eruptions, he erupted. At the moment, I'm in the testing phase: testing his temper...testing to see how far I can push the guy before he explodes. I told him that rhinos don't like fire and questioned his love for volcanoes. He erupted. Ha! Walter, what a dude.
Yeah, so, those are the new kid's animals. We like'em, for the most part. I've been trying to convince Locke that we should weed out some of the losers -- vote them off the island or something -- primarily the pink flamingo. I think he's a communist. No, really. I'm thinking we ought to have our own McCarthy trial -- send his pinkness to Pyongyang, where he can hang out with dear leader.
Speaking of sending his royal pinkness to Pyongyang.... Did you know we're about to leave Koreastan? Yeah, we are. More about that later. I can't let those Cheetohs go stale. Oh, and you want to know why the title? Well, I was going to sound all scientific and stuff.
Over and Out.
Albert
(Kid calls me Mishka. He's working on his Russian, for you unedumacated types.)
Speaking of animals.... You've probably forgotten about us. Ugh. I don't want to re-introduce us all. Really, there's a bag of Cheetohs calling my name over in the kitchen. Jack's mom won't let me eat them near the computer. Plus, it's probably hard to type after the first paw-ful, simply due to the wonderful fact that my paws would be smothered in fake cheesy crumbs. Then, I'd be tempted to lick them off. Then, I'd reach into the bag and get another paw-ful. Then, a second layer of delicious cheesy crumbs would coat my paws.... Then, I'd have to lick the keyboard because typing would get to be impossibly cheesy. Well, you get the idea. I love cheetohs. Wow, I really got off-topic. See, it's better if Locke does the writing. He gets to the point -- most of the time. So, I'm supposed to introduce to you some new members of our elite group. Nobody asked us if we wanted more "friends" in our zoo. Apparently, when Will, Jack's little bro showed up, he came with his own entourage of nincompoops who specialize in nothing else but nincompoopery.
Ahh, shoot, I'll give you a brief briefing on Jack's original council of zoological geniuses: (Maybe I didn't use zoological correctly, but it sure sounds great. I'm a bear, not an English teacher)
1. Locke: Moron. Ok. Just kidding. He's a tiger. When you think of Locke, who do you think of? Yeah, John Locke. 'Nuff said. Go look that guy up in Wikipedia if you need some help. Locke has an ego the size of a hippo's rear-end.
2. Ludendorff: A hippo who would rather be reading scholarly scientific journals. Fusion, fission, Kelvin, absolute zero, genomes, nucleotides, velocity, helium...... And, he likes corn dogs. And, he has a fake German accent. Or, maybe it's real. All I know is that he was named after a famous World War I German general. He's a swell guy.
3. Flamboyant Flamingo: Loves Paris. Loves his pheasant Korean girlfriends who blow kisses to him while he sits on the veranda. He's weird.
4. Pete: Alligator or crocodile. I can never remember. He's a computer nerd who need not ever worry about skin cancer. Nice guy but really ought to get out more...in the sun.
5. Mountbatten: Elephant. He's the nicest guy around. He's happy-go-lucky. He likes cookies, and who couldn't love an elephant that eats cookies. Plus, he's big enough to pound a few holes in Locke's ego.
6. Pongo and Four: You might not remember these two doofuses, but they're hound dogs who showed up a while back. Strays or somethin'... I don't know their goofy stories, but Jack decided to name them. They're kind of like me: faves. They drive me nuts because they've always got retarded ideas. You know, they're the types that think it's great to mix every single fountain drink in a cup at the local Whataburger. Then, they drink it super-fast to see who gets a brain freeze first.
7. Horatio: The shark. He likes blueberries and is somewhat reclusive. I think he's Hispanic, but maybe he's British. He's a quiet kind of guy. Good guy...kind of militant. He's the kind of guy you want on your side if there is going to be a war. I think he's a former Navy Seal or something.
Now for Will's entourage:
8. Jarvis: Tortoise, loves watching Nascar, a yankee who wishes he had been born a redneck...great guy. He loves honey-roasted peanuts. So, I like him, for the most part.
9. Rupert: Brontosaurus. Ok, yeah, I thought they were extinct too -- apparently not. Loch Ness, you've lost your monster. I'm thinking, "Shoot, if all dinosaurs had such lame names, no wonder they went extinct." He's a good kid, just kind of green. I told him that he needs a new name, if he wants to "survive." He has a weakness for spicy,fried pork rinds. I told him that I thought he should stick to green stuff. But, what do I know? I thought dinosaurs like him were the veggie types. I told Locke we ought to consult the Merck Veterinary Manual -- make sure he isn't causing irreparable physical damage by eating pork rinds.
10. Walter: Rhinocerous. I like Walter. He has a temper, but he takes it out on Locke. So, that's fine. He likes to read thick books about archeology, geology, and volcanology. His ultimate goal is to witness the eruption of a volcano. When I told him that his temper is pretty much as good as it gets when it comes to volcanic eruptions, he erupted. At the moment, I'm in the testing phase: testing his temper...testing to see how far I can push the guy before he explodes. I told him that rhinos don't like fire and questioned his love for volcanoes. He erupted. Ha! Walter, what a dude.
Yeah, so, those are the new kid's animals. We like'em, for the most part. I've been trying to convince Locke that we should weed out some of the losers -- vote them off the island or something -- primarily the pink flamingo. I think he's a communist. No, really. I'm thinking we ought to have our own McCarthy trial -- send his pinkness to Pyongyang, where he can hang out with dear leader.
Speaking of sending his royal pinkness to Pyongyang.... Did you know we're about to leave Koreastan? Yeah, we are. More about that later. I can't let those Cheetohs go stale. Oh, and you want to know why the title? Well, I was going to sound all scientific and stuff.
Over and Out.
Albert
(Kid calls me Mishka. He's working on his Russian, for you unedumacated types.)
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