THE JACKPACK

Big word, huh?   All of you literary geniuses out there who think you're so studly can debate my usage, but Mom says that's what I should call this post.  Oh, I bet most of you literary geniuses are unemployed because you decided to get a liberal arts degree instead of studying something more worthwhile to society.  So, I'm throwing you a bone.  Go debate my title.  Heck, write a thousand page analysis about how it's sexist and denigrates "womyn."  Ok...rant against liberal arts majors done.  Now, to my post... Today, Mom was carrying me into the post office when the strangest thing happened.  Someone kicked me in the leg and basically said, "MOVE!"  My knee-jerk reaction, "YOU move!  I was here first." Again, I got kicked.  "MOVE, fatty!  It's my turn to be here." At this point, I wanted some third-party intervention, "MOM!  Someone keeps kicking me!!!" [Mom's sidenote: Carrying Jack to the post offi...

...you see that Mom has inadvertently left a three-layer cake on the edge of the counter, figure out that it is within your reach, and go to town on the frosting -- all of this while she's washing dishes and completely oblivious to your amazing feat!  Yes, folks, by the time Mom found out that I was standing behind her and swiping frosting off the cake, I was too cute a picture.  Sold!  Deliciousness! P.S. Mom thought the frosting was a disaster; I thought it was pure heaven!) (Can't wait until Mom starts working on Dad's birthday cake this week.  Hopefully, she'll be as careless.) Yes! Swwweeettness!  Cake, you're all MINE! Oops.  Hi, Mom! Some tip-toe action!

Today, I assumed my alternate, more studly persona, Incognito Man.  It was after lunch, and I had a rendezvous with destiny.  However, that all depended on the completion of an ultra-super-duper-highly-classfiied-secret-"touch it, you die" mission.  I commenced that mission at 13:35 (Korean Time).  ("Mission Impossible" theme song in the background.....) I made sure that Lady Fun-Dissipater was busy, looking the other way.  Then, I went for it.  Unfortunately, I crashed and burned.  And, this time, I really crashed and burned.  Man, that secret laptop must have been rigged with the top-of-the-line security devices.  Someone must have put laser beam sensors in the glass tabletop.  Someone must have tampered with my socks.  Someone must have put a mysterious slippery substance all over the glass tabletop.  Sabatoge!!!  Incognito Man: temporarily out of commission but will return.  No doubt, I will return and com...

Finally, I can call myself an American without feeling like a fraud.  Sheesh.  The delay in fully realizing my national consciousness/awareness was Mom's fault -- completely.  And, while she claims her half-Polishness is partially to blame, that's wrong.  I know for a fact that my uncles were never as delayed as I was in becoming a true, honest-to-goodness, red-blooded, patriotism-breathing "American."  So, that means my grandmother did her part, even though she was full-Polish.  You're wondering how the heck Mom completely messed up the first six months of my second year as a so-called American.  Well, she failed to introduce me to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches until just now.  Do you know how old I am?  I'm nineteen months, and I was nineteen months and one day before I ever had a real mcoyster PBJ sandwich.  Ok, to give Mom credit, I have had peanut butter, apple pie, cheetohs, chicken-fried steak, okra, mashed potatoes, and ...

In addition to the previously mentioned words, I'm adding: Moon Tree (trEE) Goat Cat (Cat) Bird (bir) Red Car (Rrrree Caar) Pie Bonk (as in bonk your head) Wall Pants No Bath (No Path....basically used for "I don't want ......" For example, if I don't want to hold Mom's hand across the street, "No path.") Chair Kids Play: (as in play with me) Koparka (park) : Polish for tractor Concept of "Yes" established.  I can now answer in the affirmative by nodding my head.... Amazing concept.  I will tell you when I want water, pizza, or a car. 

You got that right.  I am.  After today, I know that I am destined to accomplish great things, and there is nothing more satisfying than knowing that nothing can stop me. And, you know how I figured that out? Well, today, after nap, Mom and I decided to make a trip to the playground.  We walked out the door of our apartment building, and that's when it hit me.  No, not my pure "amazingness" but the stench.  It was Eau de Korea but an all-new concentrated version rated a 10 on the stench factor scale: an exquisite combination of rotting flesh, pig farm, and canine anal glands. [A Texas feedlot smells like a fresh batch of homemade cinnamon rolls in comparison.] I know what you're thinking, "Jack, come on.  Stop exaggerating."  Oh, I wish I were.  Now, you're probably also wondering whether I hurled, passed out, or ran back inside screaming like a little girl.  Neither of...

So, I woke up from nap today, and lo and behold, this was sitting on the table.  I thought to myself, "Oh, Jack, you have hit the mega-millions jackpot today, buddy!  Snacktime just took on platinum.  Oh my gosh, that's an oreo crust covered in rich chocolate topped with chocolate mousse and smothered in fluffy, yummy, delicious, teeth-rotting, cellulite-feeding, double-chin inducing, heart-clogging deliciousness.  It's got to be criminal."  Then, Mom got out the grapes, "Now, Jack, that's for tomorrow when Dad comes home.  If you eat a good dinner tomorrow, you can have some."  "Really?  Seriously?  Are you kidding me?  I get grapes?!?!?!?!?!?!?"  Snack time is supremely overrated!  Put that thing in the refrigerator already.