Postmarked to the North Pole
Dear Santa Claus;
[If you're an elf pre-reading letters, please pass this one along to your boss upstairs. I didn't spend hours pouring over the dictionary or doing lessons on "Ten Thumbs Typing" just to get a bulk, impersonal, "Dear Valued Customer" letter. I would prefer this go directly to Mr. Claus, the real Mcoyster, the fella with the drivers license and passport that make people take a second look, the guy who has the supremo hook-ups with the FAA, the guy who wouldn't fit in a TSA nuclear scanner and who doesn't need to.]
It was brought to my attention by someone who will remain anonymous that kids who aren't good throughout the year receive coal, black Play-Doh, leeks, dog poo, and cat hairballs in their stockings. I'm only slightly concerned that this might be true but concerned enough to write.
If it is true, I'd like to get an official copy of your toddler policy. You see, I'm nearly seventeen months old, and according to my book, I've been good as gold. Sure, some of the things that I've done recently have irked the parental authorities, but my actions are purely the result of psychological and sociological experimentation. How else am I going to figure out what's acceptable to my fellow man? Thus far, I've learned that throwing food, biting, and repeatedly pulling garland off a Christmas tree are not acceptable forms of behavior. So, to make my point, how can I be bad if I don't yet know exactly what bad is?
If it's not true, do you just skip the bad kids' houses? Or, do you just budget fewer, junkier, "Made in China," toys for them? You know, the type found in McDonalds Happy Meals.
Lastly, if you receive any letters from tigers, bears, or sand cranes, please disregard them as the rants of disenchanted, disillusioned, dispirited, dissatisfied, and disenfranchised lunatics who just want to get me in trouble for throwing food off my high chair tray and running on the couch.
Sincerely,
Jack
[If you're an elf pre-reading letters, please pass this one along to your boss upstairs. I didn't spend hours pouring over the dictionary or doing lessons on "Ten Thumbs Typing" just to get a bulk, impersonal, "Dear Valued Customer" letter. I would prefer this go directly to Mr. Claus, the real Mcoyster, the fella with the drivers license and passport that make people take a second look, the guy who has the supremo hook-ups with the FAA, the guy who wouldn't fit in a TSA nuclear scanner and who doesn't need to.]
It was brought to my attention by someone who will remain anonymous that kids who aren't good throughout the year receive coal, black Play-Doh, leeks, dog poo, and cat hairballs in their stockings. I'm only slightly concerned that this might be true but concerned enough to write.
If it is true, I'd like to get an official copy of your toddler policy. You see, I'm nearly seventeen months old, and according to my book, I've been good as gold. Sure, some of the things that I've done recently have irked the parental authorities, but my actions are purely the result of psychological and sociological experimentation. How else am I going to figure out what's acceptable to my fellow man? Thus far, I've learned that throwing food, biting, and repeatedly pulling garland off a Christmas tree are not acceptable forms of behavior. So, to make my point, how can I be bad if I don't yet know exactly what bad is?
If it's not true, do you just skip the bad kids' houses? Or, do you just budget fewer, junkier, "Made in China," toys for them? You know, the type found in McDonalds Happy Meals.
Lastly, if you receive any letters from tigers, bears, or sand cranes, please disregard them as the rants of disenchanted, disillusioned, dispirited, dissatisfied, and disenfranchised lunatics who just want to get me in trouble for throwing food off my high chair tray and running on the couch.
Sincerely,
Jack
Dear Valued Customer,
ReplyDeleteDue to the heavy volume of mail we receive at this time of year, Santa Claus is unable to respond personally to your letter. Rest assured, however, that your letter will be read in the order received.
If you are writing to provide a list of Christmas wishes, consider our online request service at www.santaclause.com/gimmethatgift.
If you are writing to request warranty information, please contact the indicated mfg directly.
If you are writing to determine what we would prefer you leave on the hearth Christmas Eve, please check with either of your grandmothers, as they handle logistical support operations.
For all other inquiries, please call our toll-free number at 1-800-sta-claus.
Again, thank you for your inquiry and see you on the Big Night!
Merry Christmas to all!
St. Claus & Co. Ltd.
St. Claus Gmbh
St. Mikołaj, S.A.
Some offers not valid in all countries. See details at www.santaclauses.com