THE JACKPACK

Albert here.  We pulled into Fairbanks recently, and our crate stinks of wet cheetohs and fried electronics.  Camille was supposed to update us on the family's whereabouts, and you see how that worked out.  We got nuthin!  She was a lousy operative and typical of Grace's doll clan -- completely unreliable.  Ludendorff has lost his mind and has been in his corner of the crate singing one line from Johnny Horton's "North to Alaska" for days on end.  "North to Alaska, we go north, the rush is on!  NORTH to AK, we GO NORTH, the rush is on!"  Locke tries to begin the actual song, "Big Sam left Seattle...."  But, Ludendorff just continues in a loop.  UNFORTUNATELY, we haven't found his plug, any duct tape, or Benadryl.   FORTUNATELY, however, we did find a copy of the Moose Chronicles .  As our semi-truck cruised out of Anchorage and onto the highway to Fairbanks, Locke stuck his paw out of the crate to feel the temperature and comme...

Ludendorff, the hippo here.  Locke and Albert, once again, underestimate my intellect and technological abilities.  While they debate whether they have enough rations in our crate to last five weeks, I have been unboxing the Apple computer that Jack's dad so meticulously packed.  It's a bit cramped in this crate, but I managed.  Grace chose to take her doll Camille with her, and unlike Samantha and Sally who tend to argue with me about everything, Camille actually respects my genius.  Before the great separation, I explained to Camille that I might be able to establish some form of electronic communication between crate and Jack -- a cloud of sorts.  Bingo.  She just sent me an update on their latest adventures.  They've been in Cedar City, Utah -- biking, hiking, eating bbq.  

Dear Jack, Locke here.  I know that the last few months have been nothing short of a dumpster fire, and I did not realize that when I woke Albert, I would literally somehow throw the Earth off kilter, unleash some evil spell, anger the gods, and cause a worldwide pandemic.  Wow!  I truly underestimated Albert's effect on humanity.   But, let me explain why I disturbed Albert's peaceful slumber.  Please know that it was not for some altruistic motivation that I awoke Albert from his ludicrous Arizona hibernation.  What bear hibernates in an arid climate?  An indolent one. Nope,  I firmly believe nature innately selfish.  Self-preservation is my motto.  When I heard your mom say, “Well, it’s official, we are moving to AK,” I hightailed it back to your room to contemplate the news.  How is a tiger like me supposed to survive in -40?   I grabbed every encyclopaedia in your room.   That’s when I realized that you likely lack ...

Recently, the sound of claws on Jack's chalkboard, along with some whispering and loud snickering awoke me from deep, energy-conserving slumber.  A few months ago, I had found a real cozy spot underneath Jack's bed to initiate "Operation Schlafenheimer."  I forgot about time.  I forgot about how mad I was at Locke for jamming Jack's nerf gun with sand.   I forgot about Grace's doll Sally's incessant whining about "Samantha's" bad attitude. I was out. But, not anymore.  Nope, instead, I found a piece of paper taped on my nose.  It was an official-looking notification allegedly from the assistant to the assistant of the vice-chairman of the chairman of the Bureau of Hibernation Enforcement over at the Health and Ursidae Services Department prematurely suspending my winter hibernation.   What the heck?  Since when does the federal government regulate my hibernation?  This has to be a sick joke.  I crumpled the piece of paper and chucked i...

*****Static*****Static************************************************************************************************************************************************************************(6 years of STATIC)**************************************** (Someone clearing his throat.) Locke:  Crikey, Albert!!! Are we on?  Do not touch that dial.  Every time Will touches that button, we can never get it back on the right channel.  Blasted walkie talkie.  Santa should have gotten a contract with Motorola.  These things are junk.  Ok....let me see here.  Is it Channel 1?  I think we can broadcast now. "Hello, hello!  Good Morning.....ahem....Good Afternoon.....where are we Albert?" Albert:  You forgot to say "over." Based on my superior geographical knowledge, we are in a place called Buckeye....Buckeye, Arizona.  That's "Bravo," "Romeo," "Uncle".....wait...."Uniform," "Cheetoh," "Kilo," "Echo,"...

This is Will.  People underestimate me because I've got a bald spot and a soft spot.  I like to cry, and I live on a liquid diet.  But, see, I just got on this computer, unbeknownst to my furry friends who think they run this show now.  Right.  We'll see about that.  Jack gave me some tips on how the mouse works, etc.  And, little did people know that Ty's little brother Jack and I don't just discuss college football and food at tumbling.  No, we study -- study tumbling.  Yeah, give me a mat any ol' day.  And, today, I showed everyone.  I rolled -- just like Jack does his roll down the mat. I rolled.  Oh, and Jack, thanks!  Thanks for the encouragement, dude.  I know this totally destroys your record in the baby book.  But, let's be honest, it wasn't that great.  Rolling at almost 5 months?  We'll blame that on Mom.  But, let's be honest, I just have SKILLZ!!! And, yeah, who pu...

We asked Jack how his tumbling class went.  We still weren't sure what he learns there that he can't learn wrestling with us, but whatever.  Today we found out.  And, now, we are BIG supporters of his attendance.  Apparently, he's quite popular at tumbling.  This morning, Jack's mom couldn't seem to get her act together, and after a few tense moments, everyone made it out the door for tumbling.  Jack was late, but I guess this turned into a good thing.  He rolled into tumbling and flashed everyone his mega-watt smile.  When the other kiddos saw Jack, all the little girls enthusiastically yelled, "HI JACK!!!  Jack's HERE!!!"  With pure confidence, Jack strut on over to the mat and started telling his teacher all about...well....something.  We're not sure what.  That got lost in translation.  But, anyway, he's a popular fella in his tumbling class. Ok...so, fellas, you thought that was good.  Well, apparen...

Albert, dude, what's with the owls?  They're too girly.  Change it back to tire tracks, you idiot. Sincerely, Locke

This is Albert here.  Remember, I'm the big, brown, fuzzy bear Jack used to write about on this forgotten blog.  Oh the sadness!  But, as Locke, the tiger, mentioned in the last post, which was a few ice ages ago, we have taken over.  Jack's too busy playing with his trains and making sure his younger brother isn't eyeing his favorite trucks.  Locke thinks Jack should spend less time worried about his vehicles and more time learning his alphabet.  I just tell Locke to "get a life."  Plus, I'm one of the kid's favorite animals at the moment.  So, Locke can beat it.  Speaking of animals....  You've probably forgotten about us.  Ugh.  I don't want to re-introduce us all.  Really, there's a bag of Cheetohs calling my name over in the kitchen.  Jack's mom won't let me eat them near the computer.  Plus, it's probably hard to type after the first paw-ful, simply due to the wonderful fact that my paws would be smo...

This is Locke.  You remember, I'm Jack's tiger.  Well, the zoo gang has decided that since Jack has no time to write, considering he now has a younger brother to play with, we've taken over the blogging.  And, we have some newbies.  We'll introduce them at a later date.  Suffice to say, a rhino, a turtle, a dinosaur, and a rat have joined the mix.  Crowded, indeed.  It's a good thing we're moving out this place soon. Here's how Jack really feels about his brother.  It's the latest in recent developments and a moment obviously cherished by his mother.  Yesterday, while eating pizza in bed (he was hungry at 8:30 pm and mother felt sorry for him), Jack, for the first time, used that powerful word, "love."  And, no, he didn't say, "I wuv pizza."  He said, "I wuv Wiww." (Translation: I love Will.)  He followed it with, "I wuv Mama. I wuv Dad. I wuv firetruck."  So,  Wiww, feel loved kiddo.  We'll make sure to ...

In an effort to save time, I've decided to write this blog entry in the form of a Dick and Jane reader.  If you have ever gotten a sibling, you understand why.  Oh brother! Jasper (the stork) came. He brought me a brother. The brother's name is Will. He has brown hair. He has blue eyes. He cries. Life has changed. See me run at the park. Mom cooks. [finally] [In Jack's words....He was ecstatic to see mom cooking again one evening...like everything had returned to "normal."  His words before bedtime, "Mom cook."]

Sunday Evening, July 3rd: My buddies Kaity and Mac come over for hamburgers, cupcakes, homemade ice cream and cherry limeades.  We run around like lunatics and yell "Kachow!"  Parental intervention crashed the party only when we started hiding in my closet and slamming the closet door.  Oh...and, Kaity decided to humor me by rocking my chair really hard against the wall.  It was hilarious, and I nearly died laughing.  (until parents walked in)   Overall, SCORE!  Great evening!  Mac played cars with me and showed me how to drive my fire engine -- the right way. Monday Evening, July 4th:  Base festivities -- talk about a primo Independence Day celebration. 1.  Visit firet ruck and Sparky, the fire-dog, sit in fire truck 2.  See F-16 display with Dad as my guide....beat that!  You only wish.... 3.  Bouncy castle time!  Yeah, buddy.  Play with all ...

Living the high life....in Seoul

Korean excuse for a backyard:

Phew!  So, I just set a new record for least number of posts in a one month period.  Yep, none.  Don't hate, though.  The more mature I become, the less I need to pour my emotional sap into a blog.  Just kidding.  Actually, I've been busy since I got back to Korea.  And, you're probably thinking, "Yeah, that's a lame excuse for laziness.  Nice try, bucko!"  But, it's true.  I have some very important things going on in my life right now.  First off, it has been a long time since you heard anything about my furry buddies who live in my room, my wonderful zoo.  Well, they've been alive and well.  And, the reason why you haven't heard anything is because they up and went on an Afircan safari without ever notifying me while I was in the States.  Yep, just left...  At least, they remembered to take out the trash and empty out the Cheetoh stash.  Losers.  Albert (the bear), Mountbatten (the elephant), Locke...

I've been a typical "guy" lately.  Or, actually, I guess I have the perfect excuse: genetics.  My dad hates writing.  So, there, I'm predisposed to dislike writing.  (Mom likes writing.  So, I guess that's why I'm actually putting this together for you.  A little watering-down of the "hate writing" gene.) What prompted me to write?  Well, I just had one of the best weekends ever.  Here's a perfect timeline of events: Thursday Evening:  Drive to Austin to meet my Aunt K and Uncle C.  Take my "Babcia" out for a fine dining experience at the Trattoria Lysina Winery in honor of her birthday and Mother's Day.  I sipped wine, flirted with the waitress, and blew kisses to the lovely young lady serving gelato.  Ok, I'm just kidding about the wine.  But, that's not to say that I didn't eat some pretty classy stuff: Artichoke fritter thingies, some "calamari," some veal marsala.  I loved the calamari, but after a whil...

The pictures say it all:  I was a kayakin'!