THE JACKPACK

Albert here.  We pulled into Fairbanks recently, and our crate stinks of wet cheetohs and fried electronics.  Camille was supposed to update us on the family's whereabouts, and you see how that worked out.  We got nuthin!  She was a lousy operative and typical of Grace's doll clan -- completely unreliable.  Ludendorff has lost his mind and has been in his corner of the crate singing one line from Johnny Horton's "North to Alaska" for days on end.  "North to Alaska, we go north, the rush is on!  NORTH to AK, we GO NORTH, the rush is on!"  Locke tries to begin the actual song, "Big Sam left Seattle...."  But, Ludendorff just continues in a loop.  UNFORTUNATELY, we haven't found his plug, any duct tape, or Benadryl.   FORTUNATELY, however, we did find a copy of the Moose Chronicles .  As our semi-truck cruised out of Anchorage and onto the highway to Fairbanks, Locke stuck his paw out of the crate to feel the temperature and comme...

Ludendorff, the hippo here.  Locke and Albert, once again, underestimate my intellect and technological abilities.  While they debate whether they have enough rations in our crate to last five weeks, I have been unboxing the Apple computer that Jack's dad so meticulously packed.  It's a bit cramped in this crate, but I managed.  Grace chose to take her doll Camille with her, and unlike Samantha and Sally who tend to argue with me about everything, Camille actually respects my genius.  Before the great separation, I explained to Camille that I might be able to establish some form of electronic communication between crate and Jack -- a cloud of sorts.  Bingo.  She just sent me an update on their latest adventures.  They've been in Cedar City, Utah -- biking, hiking, eating bbq.  

Dear Jack, Locke here.  I know that the last few months have been nothing short of a dumpster fire, and I did not realize that when I woke Albert, I would literally somehow throw the Earth off kilter, unleash some evil spell, anger the gods, and cause a worldwide pandemic.  Wow!  I truly underestimated Albert's effect on humanity.   But, let me explain why I disturbed Albert's peaceful slumber.  Please know that it was not for some altruistic motivation that I awoke Albert from his ludicrous Arizona hibernation.  What bear hibernates in an arid climate?  An indolent one. Nope,  I firmly believe nature innately selfish.  Self-preservation is my motto.  When I heard your mom say, “Well, it’s official, we are moving to AK,” I hightailed it back to your room to contemplate the news.  How is a tiger like me supposed to survive in -40?   I grabbed every encyclopaedia in your room.   That’s when I realized that you likely lack ...

Recently, the sound of claws on Jack's chalkboard, along with some whispering and loud snickering awoke me from deep, energy-conserving slumber.  A few months ago, I had found a real cozy spot underneath Jack's bed to initiate "Operation Schlafenheimer."  I forgot about time.  I forgot about how mad I was at Locke for jamming Jack's nerf gun with sand.   I forgot about Grace's doll Sally's incessant whining about "Samantha's" bad attitude. I was out. But, not anymore.  Nope, instead, I found a piece of paper taped on my nose.  It was an official-looking notification allegedly from the assistant to the assistant of the vice-chairman of the chairman of the Bureau of Hibernation Enforcement over at the Health and Ursidae Services Department prematurely suspending my winter hibernation.   What the heck?  Since when does the federal government regulate my hibernation?  This has to be a sick joke.  I crumpled the piece of paper and chucked i...